"Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom."
- Aristotle -
Let's talk about sex.
No, I'm not referencing a 90s song by Salt-n-Pepa, nor am I quitting my day job to write for Cosmopolitan. You won't find a list below outlining "101 Ways to Pleasure Your Man."
A while back, I wrote a post about the beauty of language and the way in which our popular culture perpetuates the misuse of words ("gay" to mean stupid) and the use of derogatory labels ("retard," "pussy"). As someone who writes poetry and attempts to compose meaningful blog posts, I find it frustrating that so many people use language thoughtlessly. In particular, my heart sinks, and my blood at times boils, when I read or overhear the conversations of many young adults from my generation.
Returning to the first sentence of this post, I wonder why the concept of a "prude" ever became so wildly mainstream. This is not something I discussed in my original post, but it is a topic that has bothered me since adolescence. Although I don't hear the word explicitly used as often as in high school, it seems like the idea is still alive and well. Students, as well as post-grads, are made to feel inferior because of what they do, or don't do, in the bedroom. There is a warped belief that a lack of sexual activity means there is something wrong with you or that you are somehow "missing out" on the authentic young adult experience. You mean you've never gotten wasted at a party and slept with a total stranger? How can you even call yourself a college student?
There is also a prevailing notion that the more sexual experiences you have had, and the more people you have had those experiences with, the better you must be with intimacy. Somehow, all of these undressed moments will strengthen your future marriage and make your sex life, as well as your overall partnership, that much stronger and simpler. If someone waits to sleep with a long-term significant other or chooses to abstain from sex until marriage, suddenly that individual becomes a prude.
When did this choice become associated with something negative? People who wait to have sex or limit sex to just one partner are sometimes viewed as immature, as being afraid and intimidated by sex or having low self-esteem. The irony is that many of these individuals are assertive and self-confident adults who hold mature attitudes toward intimacy - maybe more so than some of their peers. After all, it always seemed to me that the students who used terms like "prude" to put others down were the very same ones who laughed endlessly when "penis" made its way into health class discussions.
What some young adults come to recognize is that sex is rarely just sex. It is a part of something so much greater. If you can't discuss your needs with your partner and can't consider the potential short-term and long-term effects of sex (mental, emotional, physical, financial, etc.), you probably shouldn't be having it. Regardless of whether you adhere to any kind of spiritual or religious path, sex is more than a simple string of acts. It's about human connection, social contact, and our cognition and emotional states. It's related to health and well-being, and it can both alleviate and create stress. Sex is a normal and beautiful component of intimacy, but trust, comfort, communication, self-respect, and respect for one's partner are other - often indispensable - ingredients. Sex is different with every person, so many sexual experiences do not necessarily serve as a prerequisite for a fulfilling sex life with one's future spouse.
My purpose here is not to judge my fellow twenty-somethings for the little or lot they've experienced, nor to self-disclose any of my past experiences with intimacy; the gasoline that fuels my frustration is the act of labeling people and defining them based on their personal decisions regarding sex. With that being said, I also think we must refrain from equally harmful terms like "slut" or "whore." In the end, we all embark on unique journeys characterized by exploration and self-discovery. Don't assume one is abnormal just because one's journey places a different emphasis on sex or supports a different timing for it.
Every day, we come to know ourselves a little better, and part of that process is figuring out what's meaningful to, and healthy for, us. Let's respect the journey and abandon the urban dictionary era where we place people in oversimplified categories that are offensive and that cause us to reap more harm than benefit.
Embrace.
