What's inside my head and heart today?
A new series of brief personal reflections
A new series of brief personal reflections
*Reflecting on Marital Relationships*
In the past 6-12 months, I have encountered many articles and contemporary online resources aimed at a Muslim audience that discuss gender differences in terms of the marital relationship. I do believe in the wisdom of God's creation, so I acknowledge that men and women are created differently - perhaps for different reasons. But I think that this concept is sometimes misused to oversimplify relationship dynamics in Islam. There are basic human needs common to all, regardless of genotypic sex, phenotypic sex, cultural definitions of gender, or personal gender identity. Moreover, when one does consider differences in needs and expectations, one must recognize that diversity exists among men and among women - not just between these two groups.
Many of the articles talked about what spouses want and value in their relationship. Supposedly, husbands want respect & appreciation, while wives want love & affection. They then continued this discussion by explicitly emphasizing the physical needs of men and implying the role of women in fulfilling these needs. As is now quite common, the authors neglected to mention women's physical needs for intimacy, forgetting that, despite what some research might suggest about gender differences in sex drive or sexual desire, most adults outside of those who identify as asexual have basic physical needs. This certainly includes women.
Why do we keep labeling sexual needs as a masculine issue and emotional needs as a feminine one? Instead of solely scanning through a grocery list containing the title "How to Make Your Husband/Wife Happy," maybe people should focus more energy on getting to know their spouses as deeply as possible across all dimensions - intellectual, emotional, spiritual, and sexual - and then learning how to best fulfill their needs as an individual human being, rather than a representative of the male or female population.
I can't speak on behalf of anyone but myself, but it is my understanding that women would enjoy receiving respect in addition to affection, whether they are full-time members of the work force or full-time stay-at-home mothers who exhaust themselves with housework and childcare. I also feel that men would benefit from receiving affection in addition to respect for what they do in the workplace. After all, marriage is a partnership, not an ownership. No person should be a slave to their spouse. Both partners make sacrifices and compromises and should seek to make the other individual in the relationship feel loved, appreciated, and whatever else.
At the end of the day, I don't believe that women are here just to honor their husbands' hard work and to relieve them sexually, nor do I believe that men are here just to provide financial stability and to toss around a few compliments to boost their wives' self-esteem. What a simplistic and superficial relationship that would be. God blessed us more deeply than that. And He knows best.
Embrace.
Many of the articles talked about what spouses want and value in their relationship. Supposedly, husbands want respect & appreciation, while wives want love & affection. They then continued this discussion by explicitly emphasizing the physical needs of men and implying the role of women in fulfilling these needs. As is now quite common, the authors neglected to mention women's physical needs for intimacy, forgetting that, despite what some research might suggest about gender differences in sex drive or sexual desire, most adults outside of those who identify as asexual have basic physical needs. This certainly includes women.
Why do we keep labeling sexual needs as a masculine issue and emotional needs as a feminine one? Instead of solely scanning through a grocery list containing the title "How to Make Your Husband/Wife Happy," maybe people should focus more energy on getting to know their spouses as deeply as possible across all dimensions - intellectual, emotional, spiritual, and sexual - and then learning how to best fulfill their needs as an individual human being, rather than a representative of the male or female population.
I can't speak on behalf of anyone but myself, but it is my understanding that women would enjoy receiving respect in addition to affection, whether they are full-time members of the work force or full-time stay-at-home mothers who exhaust themselves with housework and childcare. I also feel that men would benefit from receiving affection in addition to respect for what they do in the workplace. After all, marriage is a partnership, not an ownership. No person should be a slave to their spouse. Both partners make sacrifices and compromises and should seek to make the other individual in the relationship feel loved, appreciated, and whatever else.
At the end of the day, I don't believe that women are here just to honor their husbands' hard work and to relieve them sexually, nor do I believe that men are here just to provide financial stability and to toss around a few compliments to boost their wives' self-esteem. What a simplistic and superficial relationship that would be. God blessed us more deeply than that. And He knows best.
Embrace.
Yeah speak the truth! :D You couldn't have said it any better.
ReplyDeletePeople, traditionally speaking, have to put people into categories in order to think about and process them and I believe this is also being done with gender
ReplyDeleteMan and Woman, there is this sense that there can be no overlap and one is strictly one and the other separate, but "equal"
Yet, as you said, this idea of the Woman just pleasing and respecting the man and the man giving the woman affection and attention to reaffirm her self esteem
self esteem is just that
self esteem
only you can do anything good or bad about how you feel about you
others will try, undoubtedly, for better and for worse but it all comes down to you
people are just people and should be partners and kick it
Culture and norm is a different thing
ReplyDeleteRemember that the first Wife of Muhammad (P.B.U.H) was a business women and she sent a marriage proposal to him and she also provided generous help to him in the matter of Finance.