The Hijab Diaries

"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting."

- E.E. Cummings -

[retrieved from techbanyan.com]

I refuse to wear the hijab for others, whether it's due to pressure from members of the Muslim community, a desire to conform my identity, or some assumed "responsibility" on the part of a woman to ease the sexual burden placed on men; I also refuse to not put it on because of others, whether it's to alleviate the discomfort and fear of the non-Muslim community or to prevent potential prejudice or discrimination. I will not change myself because of your standards, expectations, or personal biases - whatever they may be. My decision is between me and God. Nobody else. 

For me, the scarf is a form of empowerment. As Muslims, we're taught that God judges us solely on our character. He doesn't judge us based on our appearance, our wealth, or any other worldly element in which we tend to get caught up. The scarf serves as a constant reminder of what is most important and what deserves my energy and my focus: who I am. Not what I am.

I'm Caucasian. I'm short. I'm middle-class. I'm a woman. 

I'm not ashamed of this at all, but your opinion of me shouldn't rest on these descriptions. Your judgment shouldn't reflect that over which I have no control. But I do have control over my attitude and the kind of person I am and want to be. God continues to introduce new settings and characters into my story, and I continue to respond. I grow and change. I succeed and fail. And all the while, He knows what's in my heart. He knows what I have done and what I will do. Now it's time for me to play my part.

I won't engage in a monumental debate over the hijab and try to defend every Muslim woman who wears, or doesn't wear, the scarf. It's a deeply personal choice, and I can only speak sincerely on my behalf. You shouldn't fall prey to the assumption that Islam is a monolithic faith and that all Muslims think, feel, and act alike. My response could never do justice to the diversity that exists within our community.

So why is she wearing the scarf? What does it mean to her? 

I can't answer these questions. Some Muslims look to the Qur'an and Sunnah (Way of the Prophet, peace be upon him) and simply believe that it's what God has prescribed, period. Others may wear the scarf because of socialization, family, and culture... or to make a feminist statement. Many women want to be modest in their wardrobe, as Islam is a religion of modesty both in terms of dress and character. Some may have experienced harassment or disrespect because of their appearance. Perhaps they have witnessed the destruction of a woman - caused by either domineering men, critical and competitive women, or media and society at large - and found that veiling removes the pressure to look perfect and the danger of being taken advantage of. Often times, the choice to wear the scarf is the result of an interplay among many factors.

"Let there be no compulsion in religion" (Qur'an 2:256). 

We choose to be Muslim. Even if we were raised in an Islamic household, at some point, we must reaffirm our faith. And at some point, a woman decides if she will wear the hijab full-time or only during worship and when attending the mosque. I've chosen to be Muslim, and now I'm choosing to wear the scarf.

I'll be honest: I don't know whether or not God has prescribed the headscarf for every woman. All I can do is focus on the English translations of the Qur'an, listen to scholarly opinions, and (most of all) talk to God. My decision is the by-product of prayer and a solid year of personal reflection on the topic. I wasn't hasty in my conversion; likewise, I have taken my time to explore the concept of the hijab and what it means to me. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter what it means to anyone else. God has a Plan, and my job is to realize what role I play.  

There were many times in the past when I wanted to wear the headscarf as a kind of "I'm a Muslim" badge, so that the non-Muslims around me would know why I had turned down their invitation to drink and party or why I had insisted on praying before we went to see a movie... and so that Muslims wouldn't shoot me funny looks when I showed up at Islamic events and gatherings. There were other times when I didn't want to wear it at all. Late in high school and even when I first came to college two years ago, prior to my actual conversion, I had immense respect for the women who chose to veil, but I couldn't imagine wearing it every day myself. I was afraid of everything from how my family and friends would perceive me to the practical consequences of the low heat tolerance I've had since childhood (scarf + 90 degrees with humidity = passing out?). Simply put... it's not always simple. I didn't want to wear or not wear the hijab for the wrong reasons. I thought and thought and thought some more. And as I got closer to taking my shahadah last July, I began to figure out and define the significance of the scarf for me. I urge you, whether you're Muslim or non-Muslim, to refrain from belittling a woman and from using the presence or absence of the headscarf as justification for gauging the faith that exists in her heart.

When I wear the hijab, I have a renewed consciousness and awareness. I'm more sensitive to my thoughts and actions toward others and the world around me. There's a chance that by putting on the scarf, I may experience more discomfort or negative treatment in certain contexts, but sometimes, doing what you feel is right doesn't mean doing something that is particularly easy. With hardship, there is relief. Let's just say I'm building my endurance.

We grow throughout our lives, and growth requires nourishment. The scarf doesn't change who I am; it helps me to remember just that. And to nourish my soul. My heart and my mind are important, and I want others to value them over superficial qualities. As E.E. Cummings said, being self-confident and owning your identity amidst all the social pressures we face is a tireless battle... but one worth fighting.

So if you love me, do so unconditionally.
Because I'm still the same hardworking, music-loving, really goofy girl.

Embrace.