Ataqullah

 "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, 

but people will never forget how you made them feel."

- Maya Angelou - 

Sometimes, I'm afraid that I'll be left behind. Perhaps a loved one will move forward and begin composing a new memoir, but my character will no longer play a role, and previous chapters will be misplaced or forgotten. It isn't an intense fear that overwhelms or debilitates me, or that hinders me from having wonderful and fulfilling relationships with others; rather, it's a tiny insecurity that rests in the back of my mind. A very natural insecurity, I suppose - part of the human condition. After all, most of us want to love and be loved in return, and at one time or another, we probably have felt or will feel sadness at the prospect of losing someone.

I can tell you (and sometimes quote lines from) conversations I had with friends early on in elementary school. I remember when and where various conversations have happened while growing up - maybe even what I was wearing at a certain moment in time. Even so, colors gradually fade. We start to forget, or simply misremember, the particular words and actions of others and ourselves. 

But what about the big picture?

I believe in Angelou's words, but this same concept fuels my fear. What if a person I care about doesn't recall my love and compassion? Sometimes I'm scared that, not only will my specific words and actions be forgotten, but also the feelings they once elicited.

We live in a fast-paced world and a society characterized by ambition, competition, and "leaving your mark." On the one hand, so many of us are striving for a good education and for opportunities that will allow us to make a significant difference in the world. Being busy helping others or growing spiritually and intellectually is nothing to fret over. But it worries me that we can't or don't always pencil in time for those we care about.

Ataqullah is an Arabic term meaning "Be conscious of Allah (God) in your heart." The more implicit meaning is twofold. It's often used in the form taqwa, which refers to God-consciousness or piety. Humans are to fear God and to remember that He knows everything, including our hidden thoughts and intentions. This is meant to deter us from poor judgment and sinful actions, but to me, there's another part to the definition. Yes, we should be conscious of God's closeness so we avoid wrongdoing, but we should also be conscious of His closeness simply to remind ourselves that we're not alone and that, no matter how difficult life seems to get, He's right here and ready to listen.

I guess that's why Quaker theologian D. Elton Trueblood said, "Faith is not belief without proof, but trust without reservation." We need to trust that everything will be okay. That there's a reason why you love(d) someone and he or she loves(ed) you back. That this love has meaning and purpose.

You trust God, and you trust others with your heart. You allow yourself to become vulnerable. To me, that's a beautiful thing. I don't want to be a Barbie or robot, fake and vapid. I want to be a living, breathing, feeling human being.

Maybe we're scared that we'll end up alone. But we're never alone if we trust because God is always close by. Remember Him, be the best person you can be, and constantly give love. And hope that others will remember you for it.

Embrace.